*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
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I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’