*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
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I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly