Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”