If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
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me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Botany good plants lately?
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
early stone age tool
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough