Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
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13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.