If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
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In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects