It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
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i wish we could shoplift online
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
This hospital has everything
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.