A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
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I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”