Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
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*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.