If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
You Might Also Like
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes