I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
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[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
my professor scared me for a second
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat