Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
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I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
reviewed some movies recently
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh