LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
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Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Herpes is trending, good job people
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience