I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
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I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
We avoided this particular disaster
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.