Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.

Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig

WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM

*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*

Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game

VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?

An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me

If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait