If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
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Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Sex so good you see dead people.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Saving my good tweets for marriage
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how