@LuvPug

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

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@sofarrsogud

The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.

@TimfromDa70s

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

@JamesBarretts

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

@TheHyyyype

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

@SamGrittner

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

@CruelMeiga

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

@mikeym00n

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

@pest_mode

When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”

@JediGigi

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

@TheAndrewNadeau

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.