Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
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Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I cannot call her anything else now
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK