guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
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People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
✌🏽
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?