me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
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*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
A woman drives into a bar.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.