Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
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‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room: