for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
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wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good