friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
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your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya