Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
You Might Also Like
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
what’s really going on
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Doormats are a gateway rug.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays