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Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Monday Lisa
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.