Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
You Might Also Like
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.