I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
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*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?