Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
You Might Also Like
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice