computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
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Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”