Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
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“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh