i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
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“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.