@AudreyPorne

if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.

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@xlpaws

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

@missmulrooney

What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…

@AngryRaccoon2

Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE

@daemonic3

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

@pleatedjeans

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

@threetimedaddy

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

@chrisdowning

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

@3sunzzz

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.