if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
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How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]