My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
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No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!