A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
You Might Also Like
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Why am I like this?
The Sun
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
<—- homeless romantic
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.