Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
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I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable