He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
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based al yankovic
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
It’s the weekend y’all
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.