My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
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Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I need to get some bricks…
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.