My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
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taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.