Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
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her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.