Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
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guys I’m going home
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
My dad is at it again
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.