ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
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My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic