People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
You Might Also Like
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Sorry not sorry.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.