[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
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You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
If a snake ate a cake
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’