Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
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The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.