Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
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[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
tell em, edith-anne
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Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.