Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
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to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am