Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
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You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
This makes total sense…
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?