Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
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Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Customize Your Wedding.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.