At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
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So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work