Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.

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At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.


So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.


[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.


[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy


So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?


Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule


Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.


Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.


The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.


‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work