Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
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Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Tony Hawk, age 6
