@noog
@Tmoney68 At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
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@Tmoney68 
@Swishergirl24 So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
@dafloydsta [first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
@david8hughes [boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
@torrami So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
@RappaRick Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
@dance_blessed Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
@AbbyHasIssues Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
@colegamble The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
@missekay ‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work