Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
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Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
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Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.