Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
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No, YOUR illiterate.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”