Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
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Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
The answer is funnier than the question
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Goodnight 🐶
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Selfie