Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
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my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Ha