*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
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I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf