[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
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I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane