Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
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Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
a god among men
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries