OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
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gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
if a cop pulls u over play dead
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS