OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
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God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs